the epicenter

writing

2010-07-23T21:24:00.001-04:00

As far as I know, this blog as right about 0 readership right now, but if you're out there and still interested, I am going to be contributing to Caleb's blog from time to time now. Visit at klepner.wordpress.com

when you are engulfed in flames

2010-07-16T09:31:00.002-04:00

another good one

2010-05-24T12:04:00.000-04:00

teaching math

2010-05-24T11:35:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think I might like to teach.

talks

2010-05-19T21:46:00.003-04:00

I'm getting some talks ready for this weekend in Wilmington. I love the process of writing usually and preparing to speak is no less gratifying for me. It forces me to think logically, articulate, and prepare ideas to be received by someone who may not have previously thought about them. My brain is usually all over the place, so it's really good for me to concentrate, synthesize, systematize, and revisit old ideas and thoughts. I only (as usual) that I had more time or less to do previously.

quote

2010-05-04T22:10:00.002-04:00

"My favorite kind of disconcerting art is art that is not immediately disconcerting." -Moby

required reading

2010-04-07T22:09:00.004-04:00

I have read few books that I have enjoyed more that this one. It is really my first foray into biography.

Claremont HD

2008-12-11T20:22:00.001-05:00

Holy Smokes

Adam Kimmel presents: Claremont HD from adam kimmel on Vimeo.

rodney mullen...

2008-11-14T16:21:00.001-05:00

...is the most creative skateboarder in history.

Rodney Mullen from c88lman on Vimeo.

council of doom

2008-11-14T16:18:00.002-05:00

ridiculous fixed gear riding. watch how fast the legs of the guy in the yellow sweater are going.

council of doom: official full-length trailer from wolfgang on Vimeo.

london

2008-07-04T17:04:00.001-04:00

South Bank HD from Philip Bloom on Vimeo.

hard

2008-06-27T00:45:00.005-04:00

It's late at night, so I'm not going to write for long. I have a lot on my mind right now. I've been thinking and learning a lot this summer, but it seems that a lot of it is way too personal to put up on my blog. A lot of it is not yet solidified yet either. If I tried to write about it, there is no way that is would be remotely coherent. It's all little fragments slowly being assembled.

Anyway, I've been thinking about difficult things and was encouraged by 2 sermons which my father gave at my church in Greensboro 2 years ago. They were given in consecutive Sundays as 2 parts. Both are about grief. I'll post them here for your enjoyment. You can right-click and "Save Target As" to get them on your computer. Please call, email, or comment your questions or comments.

1. Unrecognized and Unshared

2. Recognized and Shared

I'll be in Tennessee with the middle school youth group from my church in Greensboro from Saturday until Wednesday, and I'm not sure if I will be able to talk on the telephone while I'm there.

Life is hard. Do not fall into the snare which Satan has set for us which makes us think that we always have to be OK. We can cry and feel broken and confused. God is still God. He is not safe, but He is good. He is the King.

please

2008-06-21T12:55:00.001-04:00

Israel, please, do not do anything stupid.

Israel Conducted War Games, U.S. Officials Report

primaries

2008-06-02T23:32:00.001-04:00

Could the Democratic Primaries finally end? I guess it was always going to happen, but I just never really believed it.

real

2008-05-30T09:45:00.002-04:00

Religious faith is always personal, but it’s never private. It always has social consequences, or it isn’t real.

~Archbishop Charles J. Chaput

I've been thinking recently about the practical application of my faith because without some sort of consequence in my everyday life, it's really meaningless. Grant, my best friend on planet earth, was in High Point for my brother's graduation from high school, and he came to Raleigh on Tuesday night to spend the night. I got to see a lot of him. He and I always talk about topics almost as broad as you can imagine, but in particular this time there was discussion about redeeming culture, the death of folk-Christianity in American culture, and living in community. I've also been listening to Tim Keller sermons recently, and he is forever talking about the redemption of culture and the physical earth from the hold of sin and death.

One big thing that I forget sometimes is that someday there will be a new Jerusalem, and it will be the kingdom of God on the earth. Our bodies will be resurrected; we will live as we were designed to at the beginning. Our lives now are not disconnected from that coming kingdom. We are building the kingdom right now. I believe that whatever work we do here in our lifetime will be present in the new Jerusalem. Also, consider Jesus' resurrected body. The scars from his first life were still on his body. We are going to have the proof of our faithfulness on our bodies when we are resurrected.

Keller said something amazing in a sermon of his that I was listening to the other day. He is talking about 1 Corinthians 15 and notes verses 54 and 55 that say, "Death has been swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" What happens when we swallow something? We digest it and become bigger. So if death is swallowed by victory, it means that death becomes part of victory, making it bigger and stronger. Receiving back our loved ones from the grave in the new Jerusalem will be so much sweeter because we had lost them once. Victory will become more meaningful, more overwhelming, because we have known loss. Life will be more valuable because we have know death. This blows my mind.

Be complete.

simple

2008-05-27T14:55:00.003-04:00

I want to live deeply, and what is deep is rarely simple. To have a deep understanding is to explore all the hidden complexities of something. We are constantly inundated with all of this rhetoric about "living simply," but only animals have a simple existence. Eat, sleep, defend your nest/den from invaders. This is a simple existence. If you want it then have a good time. If you don't believe that anything exists other than your material being, then stop acting like life is deep and start living however you want. Nothing and no one else matters. But if you believe that there may be more to this than some chemical reactions between your ears, then stop trying to ignore the beautiful complexity of who we are. Dive, swim, poke, prod, jump, enjoy. There is much to understand, so think and ask questions.

Be complete.

books and summer

2008-05-21T20:05:00.003-04:00

This is not going to be a real post. This is more like a make-a-comment-if-you-ever-read-this post so that I know you people are out there. I have questions for you to answer.

I'm reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell (again) and Paradise Lost by John Milton right now. Both will probably produce future posts here. My journal is full of thoughts about them.

1. How many of you have read Velvet Elvis?

I would love for other people to have read it so that some real discussion can exist.

2. What is everyone reading right now and what do you hope to read during the summer?

I've got a lot of books on the list.

3. What new music have you picked up recently or what old music have you rediscovered?

I've been listening to Death Cab's new CD called Narrow Stairs, I recently discovered Band of Horses, and I've been enjoying old Caedmon's Call music and a lot of Radiohead.

I'll be in Greensboro starting tomorrow until probably Sunday night or Monday morning, so if you're in the Triad we'll have some coffee or something and talk about what we're learning.

Also, I love visitors in Raleigh. It's a cool city so come check it out.

I love you all immensely. Manchester won the Champion's League today so I am happy.

Live in peace.

satan

2008-05-12T15:27:00.002-04:00

"We know from Milton's prose works that he believed everything detestable to be, in the long run, also ridiculous; and mere Christianity commits every Christian to believing that 'the Devil is (in the long run) an ass.'"

~from A Preface to Paradise Lost by C. S. Lewis

gas tax

2008-05-01T09:32:00.003-04:00

Don't support the gas tax cut proposed by Clinton and McCain. If you're only moderately intelligent, then you will understand the following article.

Clinton Gas-Tax Proposal Criticized

I'm growing increasingly tired of the election crap going on. I can't get excited about anyone really, so I have no idea who I'm going to vote for in November. Someone give me a good reason to vote for any of these candidates.

Does anyone know anything about any of the third party candidates? I could cast a vote for a third party just to support the principle--an effort to overthrow the two party system (don't get me started).

I saw Expelled by Ben Stein the other day in theaters and enjoyed it immensely. You should probably go see it if you too are skeptical of the Darwinian hegemony which exists in the scientific and educational communities.

More random blurbs: new Coldplay and Death Cab singles are out so take a listen. I'm not really excited about the Coldplay one, but I don't want to judge too fast. Death Cab can do no wrong in my eyes. I have a really big problem being critical of anything they put out. Coldplay's is called "Violet Hill" and Death Cab's is called "I Will Possess Your Heart."

NC State's classes are about to end, so I'm going to have to buckle down and actually do something. I've applied for a job at the University's library and hopefully will be working there for the summer. I'll be in Raleigh all summer, so come and visit. As a city, it is superior to Greensboro in almost every way (except for the boring middle-aged people category).

Tell me what you're studying, learning, and reading currently. I'm studying Thessalonians in my regular study time. Also, I am learning and reading about Persian history trying to understand how the books of Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther, and Daniel fit into the larger picture of world history. I think too often we treat Old Testament stories as fairy tales or myths when they are actually small pieces of the history of civilization. I have an enormous tome called From Cyrus to Alexander by Pierre Briant on my desk.

Also, I'm reading Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis which is a retelling of the story of Cupid and Psyche. I should be done with that by the weekend and will be available for comment and discussion. I'll try to make it a goal to write a short review of it on here, but don't count on it.

Please finish well and call me when you are in North Carolina and we'll hang out.

blank

2008-03-12T16:36:00.005-04:00

It's one of those weird nights for me. Do you ever get like this?

I don't want to be by myself, but I don't want to see anyone (which is good I guess because I don't have a phone and if I did, who would I call?). I've been working diligently on a paper all day, and now I don't want to do it anymore. Putting it off until tomorrow won't matter, so I'm not pressured. I've got headphones on to block out the noise of other people's music, but I don't really want to listen to anything. I'm not tired, and I don't want to sleep. But I don't want to read or do anything else that involves being awake. I don't want to sit and I don't want to stand or walk.

I can't figure out what the feeling is. I'm exactly halfway between climbing up the walls and perfectly content, but I have no idea what to do with myself. I get like this sometimes, and it's difficult even for me to describe exactly the feeling. It's not just an England thing, either. I'm like this sometimes no matter where I am. In Raleigh, my solution is to go to a coffeeshop (usually Third Place) and sit in the corner and people watch. It's the perfect blend between being alone and being with people. I'm there in the midst of others, but I don't have to interact with them. It's the comfort of community with none of the work. I think this is why Panera is always so full. Fellowship without the fuss.

I don't really know what this means or says about me or people in general. We want benefits without the cost. It's not that we want a good benefit-to-cost ratio; we want that thing to go to infinity. Make costs zero and no matter what the benefit is, you get infinity. We're consumerists to the core.

Right now I'm reading Daniel, and consumerism didn't register in that guy's brain. "Keep your gifts for yourself or give your rewards to someone else; however I will read the inscription." Daniel was totally out of control, and the thing that maybe I most love is that he was respected by everyone and oversaw the whole empire. He wasn't some ultra-pious religious freak. He understood literature and government and languages and God gave him wisdom. He was a bizarre kind of prophet considering the usual Old Testament types who lived in caves and married prostitutes. This guy had to be rich as crap and served something like 5 kings and was one of the top rulers of one of the mightiest empires ever to exist on planet earth. But he always worshiped God. Through God's use of him, several kings of Babylon were saved.

This is a disjointed and rambling post. Welcome to my brain. It's even worse up there.

More thoughts on Daniel may be forthcoming. Until them love each other, enjoy friendships, be drunk with God, remember your freedom.

"All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, But He does according to His will in the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of earth; And no one can ward off His hand Or say to Him, 'What have you done?'" ~Daniel 4:35

on the way to buy milk

2008-03-09T19:02:00.003-04:00

The cold is biting. It always is but somehow I forget every time I've been inside for a while. I look up at the cold black sky. No stars. A crumpled pack of cigarettes is somewhere in my jacket. Where did I put them? I find them with the lighter in my inner pocket. Three left. I pull one out and try to light it. The wind has other plans. Huddled in the corner next to my door and using both hands, I get it lit and walk out into the swirling night air. It's not long after dinner, and I'm only going to the store to get some milk, but the cold and dark and wind make it feel later. It is quiet at first, but by the time I reach the gate I can hear a trumpet playing lazily nearby. The music changes volume and pitch because of the wind and echoes off the building behind me. I stop and listen and lose track of time, cigarette forgotten in one hand, the other on the gate handle. For a moment I'm mesmerized by the ghostly sound of the echoing trumpet--mournful and alone in the cold evening.

A cold gust brings me back. I open the gate and step through, put the cigarette in my lips and zip my coat all the way to my chin to keep out the cold. When I round the corner the street is empty except for a couple parked cars. The trumpet is no longer audible; it's lost somewhere behind me. I survey the road for a second then begin walking up it at a pace just fast enough to show an onlooker I'm cold. One hand holding my cigarette, the other jammed in the pocket of my jeans keeping my keys and a couple coins company.

Strange noises come drifting down the empty street. I can't tell what they are, and I glance over my shoulder to see if I notice anything. Nothing but the wind which blows the sound away for a moment. When it sails back it is the tinny music of an ice cream truck that I cannot see. I stop, watching the end of the street to see if it will pass, listening to the busted-speaker sound it makes. A car on the street behind me turns me away. I watch it pass and forget the ice cream music and my thoughts about how poor a night it is for ice cream. I puff on the cigarette, head down to keep the warmth in my jacket if that is possible, and walk on.

The store isn't far, not even far enough to finish a cigarette. I always forget that. This road is busier, and I watch the traffic hurry from here to there, on the way home or on the way out, to see friends or family or lovers. I reach the door of the little store where I always buy milk. After one last drag on the cigarette, I flick it into the street. Along with it go all the strange thoughts and sounds of my walk here, and I enter the store.

john stewart and brian williams

2008-02-29T08:40:00.001-05:00

earthquake

2008-02-27T12:50:00.004-05:00

Last night there was an earthquake in England at almost 1.00 AM. I had gotten in bed shortly before but was still awake when it happened. The whole place rocked and rattled for a good 15 or 20 seconds. It was a really bizarre feeling. At first it felt like someone had grabbed my bed and was shaking it real hard. I turned on my light and it was moving too. It all ended before I could get out of bed. To try to figure out how violent it was, I grabbed my bed and shook it really hard. My bed is steel. I could not move it at all. I suddenly realized that the motion of the earth was not exaggerated by my bed. The feeling I got was like when I laid in my bunk bed when I lived in Bragaw and someone came and shook the bed, or Will would bounce around on the bottom bunk and I would rock and sway. Except this time I was bolted to the floor, so it was the floor doing all that rocking and swaying.

It was a disconcerting feeling to say the least once I realized what had happened. This morning as I sat eating my breakfast, I was reflecting on the feeling and of course my mind went crazy with it.

I've been reading John (as anyone who regularly reads this blog knows), and today I was studying chapter 16. This was after the earthquake and before breakfast. Jesus says in verse 33 "In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." I act like I need some security other than Christ. Walking through life I desperately grasp at all kinds of things in the world to give me peace, but all of them leave me really empty. I do this everyday. Jesus says in the first part of verse 33, "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace." But I get this mixed up. I forget or something.

Verse 33 really sums up Jesus' message for me. I know the foremost thing that I hear is "Be a Christian and go to heaven," but Christ's teaching is more like "Follow me and realize a fulfilled life." The beauty of coming to Christ for me is that life makes sense. There is no other way to make sense of the universe, from physics to genetics to personal experience and joy, except through the lens of Christ's work and God's love. The point of Christianity is what happens in our lives. We are not supposed to defer all the goodness of Christ to after our deaths. Our eternal life begins now, not when we die. If I was to take a lot of the teaching that I've heard seriously, I would ask Jesus for the forgiveness of my sins then kill myself. Jesus is in the business of life, abundant life.

My life is only found in Him. All the stuff on earth that I get distracted by is unstable and ultimately not fulfilling. This is where the earthquake comes in. As if to reinforce the tenuous condition of all earthly things, last night the earth itself shook. I don't think I've ever really thought about the possibility of the ground not being solid. Sure I've stood on cliffs or slipped down a hill on mud and stuff, but this time the middle of the flatland that I live in shook. A parking lot was not longer stable. To me the only way the ground can be unstable is through something on the surface condition -- it's slick from oil or sandy and soft or something like that. Now it was all coming undone.

My perception of security was shattered. I wasn't really scared at that moment, but think about the implications. Imagine walking outside onto the sidewalk which you always assume is solid or into a field and it suddenly falls away, shifts, slides. It is no longer worthy of trust. For about 20 seconds last night everything my life, cities, buildings, and highways are anchored in was unstable. That foundation we take for granted was questioned. So it's not that the things of earth are temporary or transient and can't bring me peace (they are but...). It's the earth itself that is temporary, capable of shifting and shaking at any time. If I forget all of the emotional, relational, abstract things that I grab onto, which I usually think of as temporary, and try to ground myself into something physical and natural, like the earth, it too is only temporary. When you really think about it, the dirt in the ground is no more substantial than some passing relationship with a girl (or boy if you're a girl).

My world is becoming unhinged. The only peace to be found is in Christ. I can shut myself off from all relationships and technology which I see as distracting and move into the wilderness, but there I will trust in nature instead of God. My situation has not improved. The natural world is temporary and unstable, unable to bring peace.

"In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

on the banks of the blue ridge parkway

2008-02-22T09:29:00.006-05:00

by Thomas Costello

Summer came
and brought a cloudless simmering pulse.
You went
And took with you
some of the things I needed.

If you look up "hot" in the dictionary
there is a North Carolina summer
burning up the pages
wrinkled with humidity.
It is so hot that everyone leaks sticky drops
that hang suspended in the air
and cling to your skin when you take out the trash.
Everyone pants with their mouths open
so the breeze smells like beer and fruit salad.

At the park
next to our house
chickens listlessly round the bases
waddling like weekend warriors
kicking up boiling infield dust
while outside the fence
the mariachi block party
which is held solely for mariachis and their proud families
is letting loose a blaring polka opus
en español.
And despite the trumpet players' struggle
to grip their instruments with slippery salted hands
or to play with shut eyes to avoid the horns' brassy reflection
the symphony is hailed as a critical success
by the pasty reporter
under an umbrella
eyeing his moles.
The children tend to the tamales
whose scent soaks the air
and travels into my window
so that my sweat tastes like chipotle pollen.
I went to rinse it off
but you took the tub.

Out-of-towners might imagine that it is more temperate in the mountains.
I wonder where the hell they go that idea.
By the second week in July
the asphalt melts and
the roads are a swampy petroleum mess.
The Blue Ridge Parkway turns into a tar river.
Everyone builds rafts
out of old doors and empty propane tanks
and every year
on the first Sunday in August
there's a tar-raft regatta.
And every year
for at least the last ten
Sam Simon, a retired Highway Patrolman from Brevard
wins by a long shot.
I had thought about entering
but I remembered that you took the broom
so I just watched from the tar river banks
without an oar
as the old sergeant surfed to another victory
and another year of fitful sleep
under the gaze of the taxidermied squirrel trophy
dreaming of next August.

It was much easier to deal with the heat last year.
We shared summer duties.
I would fill one hundred glasses of water
and put them around the house
so we could always have a drink.
You oiled the fan
which squawked like a mockingbird
with a speech impediment
so that we could sleep.
I pointed a speaker out the window
and played Tumbling Dice
so that the trees would be inspired to grow bigger
and we could fit in the shade.
You shaved the cats.
I made frozen lemonade.
You cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
while I blew on your damp forehead.
And I remember
how you would tuck the sides of your skirt
in the bottom of your underwear
to cool your crispy legs.
I took out the photo box
so I could remember this a little better
but you had cut out all the you's
and taken them.
But I still remembered
that you took all the glasses
so I poured myself a bowl of water
used all the fan oil on the clippers
and set to shaving the cats.

Now summer is gone.
I no longer have to swim
through the thick southern air
or smell the collective pant
of tainted slaw.
The mariachi band is on Late Night
(gracias a nuestras madres)
and the chickens are in the tamales.
Most of the rafts were pulled out of the parkway
although some are stuck
left by teenagers or alcoholics
when the pavement cooled
causing some minor traffic accidents for the October leaf gawkers.
The cats are stubbly
and I've managed to sew my sleeves back on
although some of the left ones are missing.
It's made official
when the weatherman has called for the first frost
and as everyone rushes to the store
to buy bread and milk.
I think about chopping some wood
when I remember
you took the axe.

jesus wept

2008-02-13T18:10:00.007-05:00

Go get your Bible right now.

Ok, now turn to John 11 and read it. Go ahead. It'll just take you a few minutes.

Did you see that? It was amazing, and I think you missed it. I missed it for the first 21 years of my life.

What did I miss? I missed Jesus' passionate love for Lazarus and the compassion and sorrow and grief he felt for Mary and Martha. But I must be an idiot right? How could I miss that? That's the point of the story, right? Jesus raised Lazarus from the grave to show His love for Lazarus. That's not what I'm talking about at all. I've been missing the most beautiful part of this story for more than 21 years

I will explain because perhaps you are as bewildered as I was. I've been reading the book of John very slowly while I've been in England allowing each chapter to really sink in over several days of reading. I had read John 11 twice before anything revolutionary hit me. And then came then.

We start at the beginning. Lazarus is sick, and Jesus is sent for. Jesus' response to this news? "This sickness will not end in death, but for the glory of God." Note this. Jesus apparently has a firm grip on the future, and as readers we interpret this as meaning that Jesus knows that He will raise Lazarus. I think this is a correct reading, and this is confirmed in verse 11 when Jesus says, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go, so that I may awaken him out of sleep." This is clear enough. Jesus knows exactly what is going to happen. He is going to go to Bethany and raise Lazarus from the dead.

So we have all this build up. Being thousands of years in the future, we are hurrying to the part where Lazarus walks out of the tomb bound hand and foot. Jesus has been saying the whole time that He is going to raise Lazarus. He tells Mary and Martha that their brother will live again. Go to verse 34. Jesus asks to be taken to the tomb. What does he do there? Verse 35: "Jesus wept."

Wait...

What?

Jesus wept?

I've known this verse my entire churched life. It's one of those great jokes in Sunday School. Q: "What's the shortest verse in the Bible?" A: "John 11:35 'Jesus wept.'" I know Jesus weeps. I've even heard lessons and lectures and sermons about it. "Jesus weeps, therefore we know He was human." "Jesus experienced the full realm of human emotion." Blah blah blah. We've heard all this before. But what does this mean?

Jesus wept.

We've established that Jesus knows that Lazarus is coming back, so why does He start crying just before the big show? I do not cry when someone goes away if I know that they will be back in just a few minutes. Here is Jesus -- one with God, all powerful and all knowing -- weeping because His friend has died and He knows that He'll be able to talk to His friend in just a couple of minutes. Can you see what is amazing about this story? This is what I've missed for 21 years. None of this seems to make any sense. Here is where the revolution is for me. Jesus was so moved by grief and death that he wept even when He knew he was going to end it.

I think there were two reasons for Jesus' tears both of which profoundly influence my daily life.

First, death is the ultimate perversion of the created order. We were made to live forever in communion with God, but we screwed it up. We aren't in the garden anymore. Death is the punishment for our sin, and death did not exist in the original and perfect world. Death is the great curse on the earth. It is the thing that most clearly and finally reminds us of our sin. Jesus weeps because He understands that. Even though He knows that Lazarus is going to be walking and talking in the very near future, He weeps because of the great perverseness of death. He weeps because all of us have to face it, even though for some of us it will result in our reunification with God. He weeps because He Himself will have to face death, and He will face not only physical death but spiritual death as well to take the punishment for our sins (Eloi, Eloi. Lama Sabachthai?)

Second, Jesus understands grief. Grieving is something that we as modern people do not understand. It is especially something that modern Christians do not understand. Consider this. (I will speak from my own experience but I will use the pronoun "we" because I suspect you have experienced the same thing.) Christians like to make everything very smooth, or at least keep the appearance of smoothness. We do not like the up-and-down path which most of our spiritual lives follow, and we work hard to cover up such fluctuations. Furthermore, most of us interpret these as lack of faith. If someone we are close to dies or is sick or moves away, we have to be "strong" about it. We have to be sure everyone can see how strong our faith is. "I trust God so much that this doesn't bother me." When we are confronted with great evil, we won't get upset because "God is in control" and "works all things together for good." We have all the answers down pat. We crossed our Christian lives with action movies and came out unfeeling.

We think our faith must be weak if we are upset by the evil of the world. This is a lie. Only through faith are our eyes opened to the horrors of the world. This macho facade we put on does not show that we are strong. It shows that we are dispassionate about living. It shows that we are numb. We have lost sight of God, Christ, our Savior. Our lives have become a study in monotony instead of a great epic of love and battle and rescue and romance. I like that my walls are solid colors, but paintings are far more exciting. We are walking around dead inside, and we call it great faith. When did we relate this stoic exterior with spiritual fullness? These two do not belong together.

Christ was passionate. Everything He did was filled with passion. He loved, ate, spoke, died with passion. We have lost it. I know I have. Grief is a symptom of a passionate life. If we cared about things, if we were actually moved by the evil in the world, then we would grieve. Weep over evil. Mourn and cry out to God about the great perversions which we see everyday. If you cannot see that evil, pray that God will give you discernment--that He would unclose your eyes and make you feel again. I need this. My life depends on it.

Pray for and with each other. Read the Gospel and be reminded of Christ's passion. As we begin to understand how much God loves us, our response will be a more passionate life. Burn and burn and burn and burn.

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." ~Theodore Roosevelt

"Therefore, prepare you minds for action, be self-controlled, fix your hope fully on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ." ~1 Peter 1:13

glovers

2008-02-11T09:07:00.000-05:00

I found this on pedlars.co.uk which has lots of cool stuff. It pretty much made my day. I always find stuff on their webstore that I really really want, but I don't have to money to buy it. And I don't really have any need for it. I'm not decorating a house at the moment.

I've been in the Peak District all weekend and just got back to my noisy flat in Manchester. I loved being in rolling green hills which I was free to roam accompanied only by the sound of the birds and the wind and the streams.

I have thoughts brewing which I plan to write about soon, so until then be well.

love and the truth

2008-02-06T18:26:00.000-05:00

I was talking to Rachel tonight on AIM, and we were discussing arguing. That is, we were talking about arguing. She observed that Will and I are impossible to argue with because we've never thought that we were wrong. I really think that everyone thinks that they are right. No sane person holds views that they know to be incorrect, but I have a tendency never to give up. I take it a little bit too far. I've been picked on for this trait my entire life, that of knowing that I am right and there is no way that it could be otherwise. But the truth is I'm wrong sometimes. I'm probably wrong a lot more than I admit and probably more than my friends tell me (I have gracious friends, thank you to those people).

I told Rachel the ideal which I am pursuing. "What I'm trying to learn is how to discuss truth with people in a loving way." I think it's amazing how Christ was so blatant in the way he spoke the truth, yet people knew He loved them. They had to know that, or they would not have followed Him. Miracles may have spread the word, but it was times like the woman at the well in Samaria, where there was no miracle only the truth, when we see whole groups of people believe. How is it that I can speak the truth and love people? (Of course I have even greater incentive to love people well because unlike Christ, I might be wrong, and a good way to get people not to like you is to loudly proclaim that which is false.)

So this is my quest. Ephesians 4:15, "Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ." Now I just need to work out exactly what that looks like in my everyday life.

Be intoxicated by Christ.

super tuesday

2008-02-06T07:44:00.000-05:00

I hope by the time you are reading my blog you will have checked the news to find out the results of yesterday's voting. Nothing solved on the Democratic side, and McCain pulls ahead for the Republicans. I'm still trying to decide if I really like John McCain. I think he handles himself poorly in the televised debates, and I been generally unimpressed by his attitudes and actions. If he and Hillary Clinton end up running against each other, they're going to try to scratch each others' eyes out in the debates. Two women running for president of this country would be terrible. Oh wait... sorry, Mr. McCain. What I don't like is that McCain has a temper. I don't think this is a desirable trait for the President of the United States. Are we just going to bomb countries because he gets all steamed up? I thought it was bad when President Bush pointed his finger at anyone he wanted to and called them the Axis of Evil. McCain won't be that friendly. Just look at the way he's treated other Senators who have disagreed with him. I guess all I can hope is that McCain learns to control his himself if he is chosen to be the face of our country.

I have a journal full of thoughts which I want to share with whoever is reading. I have a presentation on Emma tomorrow in class and a paper about literature in the American South due on Friday then I'm heading out of town for a few days. Nevertheless, I hope to be able to write new things soon.

Enjoy life.

the widow

2008-02-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

One CD that I listen to a lot is Son, I Loved You At Your Darkest by As Cities Burn. Several of the songs bring me to tears almost every time I listen to it. The songs are honest, brutally so, and are difficult to listen to because of their accurate reflection on the way the world truly is. I get really tired of "Christian music" that is always easy. Worship is not easy; it is sacrifice. The world is not pretty; it is broken. Christ is the completion of my being, but He does not fix all my problems immediately. Indeed, He many times introduces new problems, then He solves them in His own time when He can be most glorified by them not when they are most convenient for me. I love the book of Psalms because it is real worship, not the simple kind but the hard kind. Writers question why God is allowing people to hunt them down with weapons and question His sense of justice. This is where I am. I don't usually feel great about what is going on in my life. I struggle to believe that God really knows what He is doing, and I think that is reflected in the worship of Psalms.

This brings me back to As Cities Burn and particularly the song "The Widow" from their first CD. I always used to skip this song when it came along on my iPod because I always thought it was too graphic and too gross. Lately I have let it go and begun to appreciate the song's reflection on the darkness of the world. Acknowledging that the world is broken is the only sure way to know that we are in need of a Savior. Spurgeon (I think) said that if your sin is small then your Savior will be small, but if your sin is great your Savior will be great also.

The beginning of "The Widow" talks about the singer's father leaving his mother before the singer ever knew him. The second verse follows:

Dead man, is it being high that makes you alive?
It makes you leave behind three boys and a wife in '89
As the track marks inched their way up your arm
My mother taught my brothers and I not to call you daddy
But to call you father

But I believe there is something here to be learnt of grace
'Cause I can't help but love you
Even with a heart that breaks
Like the promises that you made
Like the promises that you made
The promises that you made

My God, what a world you love

He says several times "My God, what a world you love." This theme runs throughout the CD and also follows onto their sophomore release called Come Now Sleep. As Cities Burn is definitely not for everyone, but in their music I have found truth in art. The truth is sometimes brutal and very very dark, but I think we need not to be afraid of that. Christ is the light. Why are we afraid of darkness? Darkness can never overpower light, but light could not be truly understood or appreciated without darkness.

Other CD's that I like for their truth:

The Fires of Life, Wake Up O Sleeper, and The Balancing Act - Cool Hand Luke
A Holiday at the Sea and Sparrows - Anathallo
Come Now Sleep - As Cities Burn
Catch for Us the Foxes and Brother, Sister - mewithoutYou
I See Things Upside Down - Derek Webb
Bless the Martyr and Kiss the Child - Norma Jean
The Fiancee - The Chariot

Other CDs are a fine display of truth, but these are the ones that I've been listening to and appreciating lately. Also, these are by slightly less-known bands which I really like, so I thought I'd spread the word.

God, does grace reach to this side of madness?
'Cause I know this can't be
the great peace we all seek.

Come down, heaven.
Won't you come down?
Won't you cut through the clouds?
Won't you come down?

i want to get away

2008-02-01T16:47:00.000-05:00

Browsing across the vast number of blogs and news websites which i read frequently, I ran across pictures of this house. (click on the pictures for a bigger version)

I have now spent almost a full month within the confines of a city of 2.5 million people which has a disappointing shortage of parks or outdoor space of any kind to be enjoyed. I'm beginning to need to get outdoors some, or at least to some place that has some relation to the outdoors (like a coffeeshop with big windows that look out over a grassy field). The English winter is not exactly conducive to outdoor activity, but being in the middle of a huge city means that none of the buildings even have any reference to the outdoors in their design. If there are windows they overlook a busy street. Also, my flatmates are particularly noisy and annoying and make it hard to concentrate when I'm in my room.

These are the reasons that this house caught my particular attention right now. I would so love to spend a couple weeks in such a gorgeous landscape in a building designed to bring the outdoors to you. There is no escaping the breathtaking landscape when you are inside this house. I was thinking about getting out of town for a few days this coming week, but I've been slapped with an oral presentation and a 1500 word essay due on Thursday and Friday respectively.

So all you American readers, enjoy the outdoors. Even if all that means is sitting inside and looking at the grass out the window.

a cool poster

2008-01-31T12:45:00.000-05:00

I am not a Barack Obama supporter (although in politically homogeneous America, I don't really see a whole lot of difference between him and most of the other candidates), but the following poster is worth note just because it looks cool. It's good to see clever design going into something as usually devoid of design as a campaign poster.

The fact that the most exciting thing to me about the presidential race is a well designed poster says a lot about my attitude toward American politics of the moment. Issues are not discussed, the candidates are all the same except for their appearance. What we have is a black moderate, a female moderate, a southern baptist moderate, a rich Mormon moderate, and a war-hero Arizonian moderate. This isn't to say that I am not going to vote or anything; I'm just a bit disillusioned at the moment with all of it. Being in England, I hear only what is "big news" about the candidates. It's never policy issues. The big news is that Hillary lashed out against Obama and McCain hates Romney. Who cares how much these candidates like each other? What are their policies? It is almost impossible to find out.

presidential things

2008-01-30T04:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I read the State of the Union address and promptly formulated a response which I posted here. That post is now gone, and I hope none of you read it because I had inadvertently read and responded to the 2007 address (I knew that joker sounded familiar). So hopefully soon I will get around to reading the 2008 address. Hopefully if you are American you watched or read it. It's only the most important speech of the political year.

I saw Explosions in the Sky play last night just down the street in Manchester. It was probably one of the best concerts I've been to in my entire life.

An interesting thing that I stumbled across the other day while reading a design blog was called the map of the political blogosphere. I could look at this thing for hours. It may take you a little time to understand what is going on and how information is represented, but give it a few minutes and read about how it's constructed, then you too will have hours of entertainment analyzing information you never knew existed.

I hope to write soon about the State of the Union.

Be well. Do good work. Keep in touch.

resurrection?

2008-01-26T12:57:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking about bringing back this blog since I've got some time on my hands while I'm in England. We'll see if it sticks.

Things

2007-07-18T23:21:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately and my journal is starting to fill up. I am pleased with all the time I have on my hands to read and think and be outside this summer since I don't have a job. I may write something soon. I know I always make those kinds of statements then I don't follow through, but perhaps I will make it a goal tomorrow. Not that I think anyone ever reads this or anything.

Until tomorrow...

Traffic

2007-06-16T21:07:00.000-04:00

The traffic was crazy today. Some days I feel like a traveler trying to cross the Sahara. Only instead of an endless sea of sand, it's an ocean of autos. Metal and pavement as far as the eye can see. It's funny how I never view myself as part of the confusion, which, of course, I am. Instead I split lanes and ride through it.I pass by the cars and dive by buses with a necessary simplicity. Instead of the thirsty, tired wanderer, I try to be the breeze.

-- I saw this on the inside of a biking jersey today, and I liked it. If you ever travel by bicycle you will probably identify with the story.

I haven't written in a while and I don't know if I'll be writing anytime soon, but we'll see what happens.

The Sad Truth

2007-04-17T15:44:00.000-04:00

• Number of pornographic web sites: 4.2 Million.

• People who regularly visit Internet porn web sites daily: 40 million.

• Christians who said pornography is a major problem in the home: 47%.

• Breakdown of male/female visitors to pornography sites: 65% male - 35% female.

• 30% of unsolicited e-mails contain pornographic materials.

• Women, far more than men, are likely to act out their behaviors in real life, such as having multiple partners, casual sex, or affairs.

• Porn revenue is larger than the combined revenues of all professional football, baseball and basketball franchises.

• US porn revenue exceeds the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC at $6.2 billion.

(Source: www.pornsunday.com)

I am currently reading Acts and all of the craziness therein. I am thoroughly enjoying it. My journal has pages and pages of writings and drawings and the like in it. I may publish some of those writings, and probably none of the pictures.

I have nothing to say about the VT shooting except that everyone I know who goes to school there is fine. As I reflected on the events, I was reminded of the words of the pastor at my church hear in Raleigh. "When we ask ourselves, 'Why do bad things happen to good people?' we are starting off with a bad assumption, that God exists for our comfort. The truth of the matter is that it is only by the saving grace of God that we are not all dead already. What we should be asking is, 'Why, if God is perfectly holy and just, does He allow me to breathe another breath of my sinful life?' " I am not by any means trivializing the deaths of the students at VT as justice, not at all. I am only reflecting on the mercy of our God who reigns forever and is worthy of all our praise. Amen.

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord." ~1 Corinthians 15:58

Brief

2007-03-14T21:53:00.000-04:00

This will be very brief.

I have lots of work to do so I can't write for very long. I'm taking a break right now to make sure my head doesn't explode. I spent spring break in Chicago and it was fantastic. It was really cold, though. Hopefully I'll get some pictures up soon. I left my camera in Greensboro, so I can't do it right now. I'm off to Mississippi for the weekend (actually I leave tomorrow, I'm such a rebel) for my cousin's "getting married party weekend." I'm pretty stoked.

The other day in my weekly meeting with my Campus Crusade director, he showed me this really terrible explanation of evangelism which I hope to have time to write about soon. Be assured that it was terrible.

I hope everyone is well and either had, is having, or does have a good spring break. Enjoy Christ.

Hurting Others and Hurting Yourself

2007-02-26T19:12:00.000-05:00

I had this thought while sitting on a couch in Caldwell Hall listening to Anathallo. I have no idea what sparked it, and I have drawn few, if any, conclusions about it. What I write here will be pretty much the same writing that appears in my journal.

In this country, apparently, we want the law to protect others from hurting us, but we do not want any laws regulating whether or not we can hurt ourselves. When some legislation is passed limiting our ability to hurt ourselves, we immediately cry out against it. We want suicide to be legal, weed to be legal, and no law against drunkeness. The abortion debate is similar. As long as the baby is part of the woman, she is free to injure herself; the child dies. If the child is a person separate from the mother, he is protected under the law regardless of his location. Should the law prevent me from hurting myself? Is that my free choice? Should legislation try to curb self-destructive behavior? Does my hurting myself injuring other people? Our system of government operates under the assumption that people want the best for themselves, and that they do not wish to injure themselves (because that is presumably not the best). The great political experiment that is the American Government is a system supported by morality. When morality is removed, how will the structure stand? What will support

Most of you know that I take freedom very seriously, and I am not a proponent of denying freedoms in order to gain security. I am by no means sure what the answers to any of these questions are, and I am trying to figure them out.

Spring break begins for me at the end of the week. I am going to Chicago for all of break to work in the inner city at soup kitchens, nursing homes, orphanages, child-care programs, and to spread the gospel to those who need to hear of their Savior. If you think of it, please pray for me that I will be encouraged by the power of the Gospel. Pray for boldness to speak the truth, "to preach the gospel to the poor, to proclaim release to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed, to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord" (Isaiah 61:1-2).

I hope everyone is well and that your coming breaks are refreshing to you. If you are in Raleigh, feel free to call and perhaps we can sit and reason together. Be encouraged in the resurrection which has swallowed up death in victory. What have we to fear? (1 Cor. 15) Do not fall into the temptation to compartmentalize your life. The resurrection affects all parts of our lives from the way we eat lunch to the way we study solid mechanics or literature or biochemistry. A transcendent God cannot be kept from enveloping your whole life.

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord."
~1 Corinthians 15:52

Marriage In College?

2007-02-12T23:23:00.000-05:00

Today, while eating lunch, I was involved in a conversation about the possibility of being married while in college and how that would look. I think, if I got married while I was an undergrad, that it would be ok for my parents and my wife's parents to support us (financially), like they had for the beginning years of college, until we both graduated, and we were in a position to support ourselves. This idea has been received with sharp disagreement. Most people think that the moment I get married I should be responsible for my own finances, meaning that I assume the roll of sole provider for my wife and myself (i.e. I better put food on the table with my own hard-earned money). I, however, fail to see the problem with being in college and being married and having essentially no income. There are plenty of other ways that I, as a man, can provide for and lead my little family besides finances. I do not think that that would be an anti-Biblical situation by any stretch of the imagination. I do not really even think that it is a bad idea, or at least not worse than the idea of a 5 or 6 year courtship. This, of course, does not really affect me anyway since I am not in a romantic relationship, I am not about to enter a romantic relationship, and (frankly) there is nothing on the horizon. I will never be presented with an opportunity to be married in college. (Ok, never say never. Something could happen very soon, and I just have no idea it's coming at this point. God works like that sometimes, and I am not ruling that out as a possibility entirely. My point is that if things continue as they are, I will not be in a position to be married in the next 2 1/2 years.)

Here is the point of this whole line of thought as it actually applies to my life and all of yours. Why is it that I have such a great aversion to the idea of getting married while in college? Is it because getting married at that point in life really is an awful idea, or is it because I simply lack faith in Christ, who is the supreme God and ruler of the universe? How can I better bring glory and honor to the name of Christ: through the restraint I display in a long dating relationship, or in my faith that he will provide for my wife and me even when we are both full-time students? This thought could be extended to any big decision in life: missions, grad school, career, even dating relationships. Do I oppose certain changes to the status quo because they are bad, or simply because I can't trust God?

"For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe."
~1 Corinthians 1:21

20/20 Conference

2007-02-04T23:55:00.000-05:00

I went to a conference at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary this weekend called the 20/20 conference. It was marvelous. The title was "Sex and the City of God." The speakers were all great and spoke on a variety of topics concerning sex, love, and marriage. Some of my readers are no doubt snickering at the thought of me, a college student, going to yet another conference on sex. We all thought we were done with that part of our lives didn't we? Fear not, however, for this was by far the most intelligent and valuable set of teaching that I have ever heard on any of these subjects. The conference brings together teachers, pastors, philosophers, and theologians from all around the east coast to speak, so it is no sort of "I gave my word to stop at third" type seminar.

There were 4 main sessions and 2 breakout sessions (actually 3 but I left early). The four main sessions were on marriage, speaking the truth in love, sex in heaven, and sexual abuse. All were great. The two break outs that I chose were on dating and homosexuality. The dating session was, perhaps, the first intelligent discussion of Christian dating I have ever heard. The second was probably the highlight of the entire conference as the teacher spoke on how to help people who are dealing with same-sex attraction without alienating them or compromising the teachings of the Bible which say that it is wrong. He was a great speaker.

I would love to write about all of the sessions, but those thoughts will come in later posts. I have tons of ideas and thoughts bouncing around in my head because of the conference, so I will no doubt be writing on lots of them (hopefully I can find the time).

I am still in a euphoric state over the NC State victory over UNC. I was not there, but I was going crazy in my dorm (that is the reason I left the conference early). I have to admit I thought there was no way we could possibly win, but I will not gloat about it.

I will not boast in anything accept the all-surpassing power of Christ which has saved my life and given me hope and joy. I beg you, give all you have to Christ, and you will never be in need. Keep things for yourself and you will never be satisfied.

Being an ambassador for Christ is no easy job. It takes a lot out of us. Love each other deeply. Do not alienate people. Rather, get to know them deeply that you may lead the to Christ. Preach the Gospel. If it is not received remember that the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing. Continue preaching the Gospel to them anyway, how will they hear without someone preaching to them? Blessed are the feet of those who bring good news (Romans 10:14-15). Judgement is coming. God is no Santa Claus. Are we ready? When the Son of Man returns will he find any faithful on the earth? I pray that he does, and that we are a part of that group.

Think. Love. Listen. Read. Talk. Hope. Glorify.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)..."
~Ephesians 2:4-5

Art In Its Many Forms

2007-01-31T15:53:00.000-05:00

Thom Browne (second from left, seated on car) is probably the most important American designer around right now and definitely my favorite. His clothes are great, in my opinion, even if the style is a bit difficult. His suits are a modern twist on very traditional suits. Sort of an exaggeration of old 1960's Brooks Brothers/JFK style. They typically fit really tight and everything seems a little bit too short. I think they're great. If anyone has some spare change, they could buy me one of his suits. If you don't have that much, you could just get me one of his shirts.

Other art I'm currently thinking about includes Bright Eyes. He is fantastic. I think I've listened to 4 straight records of his. I like it a lot minus all the Bush Presidency criticism, but whatever. It's not like I'm Bush's biggest fan, so it doesn't really bother me.

In Architecture, I really like the new Institute of Contemporary Art in Boston. The building is quite a modern creation for a city like Boston, whose modern architecture is about as exciting as NC State's. Check out the cantilever-like section over the top to create an amphitheater underneath. Coolest quality, the overhanging section is not supported by any columns. Check it out at this NY Times report.

That's all I've got today. I went to a meeting about some job offer for the summer, but it was bull crap. You could make a bunch of money selling stuff people don't need by convincing them that they can't do without it. The room was full of fakes and suck-ups which annoyed the crap out of me. I can't do a job that I don't care about. To do a good job I need to believe in the product, or at least the company, to really enjoy my job. Besides, I wouldn't be able to work and live with a bunch of greedy and apathetic kids anyway. So the job search is still on.

Encourage each other by building each other up. Be passionate. Invest your time, don't just use it. Enjoy the cold weather. Drink coffee. Read books. Do something fun. Don't think too hard.

Some Quotes

2007-01-26T17:15:00.000-05:00

You say that it is difficult to put this advice into practice. Who denies it? Plato has a fitting saying: “Those things which are beautiful are also difficult.” Nothing is harder than for a man to conquer himself, but there is no greater reward or blessing.

~Desiderius Erasmus, The Handbook of the Militant Christian (1503)

When there is no truth that deserves assent from everybody, the only arbiter in our competing desires is power. Where truth doesn’t define what’s right, might makes right. And where might makes right, weak people pay with their lives. When the universal claim of truth disappears, what you get is not peaceful pluralism or loving relationships; what you get is concentration camps and gulags.

~John Piper

Our culture — both in the media via programmes such as Sex and the City and in everyday interactions — relentlessly puts forth the idea that lust is a way station on the road to love. It isn’t.

~Dawn Eden

Read the whole article by Ms. Eden at Casual Sex is a Con. It is a super article about culture's views on sex and love and how it doesn't seem to work out.

I'm officially going to Chicago for spring break to serve the homeless and orphans in the inner city. I'm really excited to be able to travel and do some good work for the break instead of spending all my time and money on myself. Funny, though, that by focusing on others I will bring joy to myself. Long live Hedonism!

"[Hold] fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching, so that [you] will be able both to exhort in sound doctrine and to refute those who contradict. For there are many rebellious men, empty talkers and deceivers... who must be silenced."
~Titus 1:9-10

Planning

2007-01-24T22:52:00.000-05:00

Planning life is overrated. I'm done with it. My life is unplanned mostly at this point. I like civil engineering, but I have no idea what I want to do with it. This is the first time that I haven't known what exact job with what exact company I want. It's fantastic. Why did I need to plan all that out anyway? God gets me where he wants me regardless of my plans. Now I'm planning days, not years. I focus on each day. I get my work done, and I figure out things that I can do to have some fun. I'm tired of thinking about what every single thing that I do means in the long run. I can't live like that, and I don't think I'm called to live like that. "The life I now live in the flesh I live through faith in the Son of God" (Gal. 2:20). I don't think I show much faith in Christ by trying to plan the rest of my life when I'm 20 years old. Life isn't a chess game; don't live like it. Every time I act, it does not need to go through a rigorous analysis. I can live a little, right? I mean, that's why Christ died. Now, I'm not saying don't have plans, but hold on to them loosely in the palm of you hand. Seek out joy. Just live your life. It's not a game, no one wins, and I'm not rewarded for my strategy. Only one thing matters and that is Christ. He's going to take care of me anyway.

Friends (or lack thereof)

2007-01-16T14:32:00.000-05:00

This is a topic that has been on my mind for sometime. Although over Christmas it was largely forgotten, it returned to my attention almost immediately upon my arrival back in Raleigh. My life seems largely void of really meaningful relationships. I will explain what I mean in the paragraphs that follow but first disclaimer of sorts. This post is not meant to offend any of my real friends at State (because they do exist, just not in large quantities) or to offend any of my friends and readers at other schools (it is my friendships with you that I greatly miss). If you are offended, then feel free to talk to me about it. This post will be largely reflection not complaint, even though it may sound like complaint from time to time.

In high school, and when I lived in Greensboro in general, I was always surrounded my friends (and lots of them). I cannot remember all of the nights when I had to try to figure out who I was going to hang out with because several groups of people had called. Now there are nights when I wish anyone would call, just so that I could get out of my dorm room. This actually may be a blessing because being the social creature that I am, I would likely ignore the work i needed to do in order to hang out with friends. As it is, I get most of my work done in a timely manner. The lack of phone calls is not really the main thing that concerns me at thins point. I will explain.

My day-to-day life is largely void of any meaningful conversations. The things I talk about are rarely deeper than the menu at the dining hall or the recent NC State athletic loss in whichever sport. For those of you who know me really well, you know that I live for deep conversations. I love discussion, debate, and general use of intellect in conversation. Where is the discussion of relationships, God, politics, the church, worship, purity, or any number of difficult topics I discussed regularly in the past. I used to talk about lots of these things with Madeline when we were dating, but when she left she took my good conversations with her. I do have some good friends, do not take this the wrong way. Will, Bert, Big Lew, StewBean are all great friends. I love those guys, but my number of friends is way down from high school and even last school year. It's discouraging to realize that I can count my really good friends on one hand, but that's where I am currently.

I also miss the friendships that I've had with really great girls like Bethany, Liz, Rachel, Noelle, and Demi. Girls who challenged the stereotypes and became quick, intelligent, questioning, and active thinkers. Girls who were not content to be just girls. Girls who became women while most stayed where they were. Girls like these must be here, too. I know a couple but have become increasingly discouraged recently by the absence of such people in my life.

I'm not complaining much, though. I've gotten so I like being by myself. Currently, I am enjoying an nice cup of English Afternoon Tea while I listen to music and write this post. Life isn't so bad, just different. I just really miss sitting in speech or UTT and talking about really difficult subjects. I really miss the Starbucks crew from that summer.

A strange trend in my life is that God gets rid of relationships in my life before I move on. He ended a lot of things at the end of high school so that I wouldn't wonder about what could have happened. Now, since I'm planning on going to England to study next semester (and possibly all year) He seems to be putting me in a comfortable place to leave. If I leave, I will miss people, but there is nothing (and no one) here that will keep me from wanting to go to Europe for an extended period of time.

This post and these thoughts deserve more time than I have given them currently. I have probably 10-15 pages handwritten in my journal about this very subject. It is something that I've been thinking about a lot. Please, feel free to discuss in the comment board, through emails, phone calls, or, if you live in Raleigh, let's hang out and have real conversations. Let's get to know each other on a deep level so that we can both grow.

Ask hard questions, think critically, love the community, do things that are difficult.

Together we run
into what we do not know
trusting our God who made tomorrow
~Cool Hand Luke

Warm Start

2007-01-13T12:52:00.000-05:00

I'm back at school and have successfully completed a whopping 3 days of classes. My schedule this semester is much better than last semester, so those of you who are concerned can be assured that I am at least optimistic that classes will be better this semester. I think coming back to school after Christmas break is always interesting because I get to recognize problems that I had last semester and fix them for this one. It doesn't work so well after the summer break because we live in new places and the previous semester is so far removed. However, this January I feel renewed and refreshed. I'm inspired to work hard in my classes and make the most of my time that is not spent on school work.

Enough of my personal life. The rest of this post is going to be scattered thoughts about various topics. I hope to be writing concentrated posts on particular topics, much like my last blog, but we'll see where God leads this. He's got it all planned out anyway.

I received an email sometime ago which was of great encouragement to me. I kindly thank the writer who knows who she is. The email contained a fantastic verse which I cannot remember ever hearing before. It was Hosea 6:1.

Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces, that he may heal us;
he has injured us, but he will bind up our wounds.

What a great encouragement to everyone who has experienced pain in the last few months, or is currently in its midst. God does not send pain and suffering into our lives so that he may test us or give us a chance to prove our strength. What strength do we have? How will we prevail on our own? On the contrary, God dismantles our little worlds solely that he may reassemble them. He sends pain that we may know the comfort of being healed. As a child, if i never knew the pain of falling down, how would I know the tenderness and compassion shown when my father or mother picked me up and carried me into the house? If I was never sick, I would not know the feeling of lying on the couch while my grandmother stroked my hair as I fell asleep. These are some of the great joys of life. Without pain none of them would have come. In the same way, God brings pain and struggle into our lives so that we may know the joy of being restored and feel the greatness of His love.

I was given 3 books for Christmas this year, all of which I am very excited about. The first is Suburban Nation: The Rise of Sprawl and the Decline of the American Dream. It is a thought-provoking look at the way we design towns in America (or really a critique of the crappy job we've done). It investigates how the suburbs are killing any sense of community in our cities and towns and what we should do to battle this to restore the vitality of our communities. I highly recommed it for anyone studying architecture, civil engineering, or urban planning as well as for anyone who is disappointed by the lack of meaningful relationships found in the places where they live. It is not a technical book and can be understood by anyone. I think it is very important because it will affect the places you choose to live when you get out of college and who you vote for in your local elections.

I have already finished reading that and moved on to 1776 by David McCullough. I love studying the American Revolution and the men who shaped our country. How great would it be to fight for the cause of freedom in your own land? I particularly love the stories about Samuel Adams and Thomas Paine and others who were the ideological fathers of the Revolution. I'm only about 70 pages into 1776 but I am enjoying it immensely. It is inspiring. Perhaps some of our names will be remembered 250 years from now and be known by everyone in the English speaking world. Maybe some of us will fight for great causes and be at the root of great movements that change the entire world. We are the next Martin Luthers and George Washingtons and Peters and Pauls and Nelson Mandelas. Are we ready for it? Are we preparing for that kind of greatness?

The last book new book I have is How Should We The Live? by Francis Schaeffer. I haven't started it and, therefore, have no comment to make except that it is subtitled "The Rise and Decline of Western Thought and Culture." I am afraid this book is destined to make me more pessimistic than I already am.

This is a fairly long post, but I have had a lot on my mind. My hope is that someone may enjoy it. One thing I really like about Blogger is that everyone can comment, not just registered members so feel free to leave your thoughts and opinions, but remember to love eachother when you do so.

The world is ours if we would only let it be.

Little children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
~1 John 3:18

Here it goes again

2007-01-01T22:42:00.000-05:00

I'm starting again. This is going to be the slightly (and I do mean slightly) less middle school-ish home of my thoughts and writing. I really need an outlet for some of my thoughts and this is going to be just that. I'm sure that one or two people in the world may find the future posts at least somewhat interesting.

The site will probably go through numerous look changes before I settle on something I'm happy with, but for now, this is it.

Enjoy the remainder of your Christmas breaks (even if it only lasts for a couple more days).