This is a topic that has been on my mind for sometime. Although over Christmas it was largely forgotten, it returned to my attention almost immediately upon my arrival back in Raleigh. My life seems largely void of really meaningful relationships. I will explain what I mean in the paragraphs that follow but first disclaimer of sorts. This post is not meant to offend any of my real friends at State (because they do exist, just not in large quantities) or to offend any of my friends and readers at other schools (it is my friendships with you that I greatly miss). If you are offended, then feel free to talk to me about it. This post will be largely reflection not complaint, even though it may sound like complaint from time to time.
In high school, and when I lived in Greensboro in general, I was always surrounded my friends (and lots of them). I cannot remember all of the nights when I had to try to figure out who I was going to hang out with because several groups of people had called. Now there are nights when I wish anyone would call, just so that I could get out of my dorm room. This actually may be a blessing because being the social creature that I am, I would likely ignore the work i needed to do in order to hang out with friends. As it is, I get most of my work done in a timely manner. The lack of phone calls is not really the main thing that concerns me at thins point. I will explain.
My day-to-day life is largely void of any meaningful conversations. The things I talk about are rarely deeper than the menu at the dining hall or the recent NC State athletic loss in whichever sport. For those of you who know me really well, you know that I live for deep conversations. I love discussion, debate, and general use of intellect in conversation. Where is the discussion of relationships, God, politics, the church, worship, purity, or any number of difficult topics I discussed regularly in the past. I used to talk about lots of these things with Madeline when we were dating, but when she left she took my good conversations with her. I do have some good friends, do not take this the wrong way. Will, Bert, Big Lew, StewBean are all great friends. I love those guys, but my number of friends is way down from high school and even last school year. It's discouraging to realize that I can count my really good friends on one hand, but that's where I am currently.
I also miss the friendships that I've had with really great girls like Bethany, Liz, Rachel, Noelle, and Demi. Girls who challenged the stereotypes and became quick, intelligent, questioning, and active thinkers. Girls who were not content to be just girls. Girls who became women while most stayed where they were. Girls like these must be here, too. I know a couple but have become increasingly discouraged recently by the absence of such people in my life.
I'm not complaining much, though. I've gotten so I like being by myself. Currently, I am enjoying an nice cup of English Afternoon Tea while I listen to music and write this post. Life isn't so bad, just different. I just really miss sitting in speech or UTT and talking about really difficult subjects. I really miss the Starbucks crew from that summer.
A strange trend in my life is that God gets rid of relationships in my life before I move on. He ended a lot of things at the end of high school so that I wouldn't wonder about what could have happened. Now, since I'm planning on going to England to study next semester (and possibly all year) He seems to be putting me in a comfortable place to leave. If I leave, I will miss people, but there is nothing (and no one) here that will keep me from wanting to go to Europe for an extended period of time.
This post and these thoughts deserve more time than I have given them currently. I have probably 10-15 pages handwritten in my journal about this very subject. It is something that I've been thinking about a lot. Please, feel free to discuss in the comment board, through emails, phone calls, or, if you live in Raleigh, let's hang out and have real conversations. Let's get to know each other on a deep level so that we can both grow.
Ask hard questions, think critically, love the community, do things that are difficult.
Together we run
into what we do not know
trusting our God who made tomorrow
~Cool Hand Luke
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4 comments:
Strangely enough, I was thinking about the monotony of my own life in the same manner just the other day. It seems as if many people take life as formula (like a board game, ironically) and I don't like that. I hope you see where that last sentence fits your "problem." To keep it short, England doesn't seem all bad. Not for me of course but you (my solution is certainly not in Europe from what I can tell). What I'm trying to say is, in a situation like this, (monotonous homeostasis) a complete uprooting seems like an inviting option. I hope you see where I'm coming from on that one. Lastly, if you must talk about deep, meaningful nonsense (like I myself must as well) be sure to include me, because deep, meaningful crap is right up my alley. Believe me, I like drugs, drinking, partying, and sexual escapades as much as the next guy, but sometimes I need a break to talk about intellectual topics of any kind. That's all I got.
that was a huge compliment. i miss you kyle osborne. let's talk sometime... :)
yeah i know i'm 2 weeks late reading your posts but seeing you tonight made me want to check out your blog again. i really love your comment that says "girls who challenged the stereotypes and became quick, intelligent, questioning, and active thinkers. Girls who were not content to be just girls. Girls who became women while most stayed where they were."
this is really convicted me and challenges me to be that kind of girl.
you know what i love about you most, kyle? your mind. i love that i can talk to you about things like social justice, good books and movies, problems in the church, missionality, and the christian life in general. i love that your opinionated and aren't afraid to share it (although i don't always agree with you haha). i'm excited about getting to know you even more the next few years and i'm definitely going to miss you when you go to Europe, but i know you'll LOVE it and fit in great!
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